S2, E7: Truth be told, I hate when people ask me “What do you do?”

Welcome to the Truth Be Told Series, where Motherload contributors Lauren & Kayla, and I will be discussing anonymous truths of motherhood, submitted by our listeners. You know, those things that we're all thinking, but nobody is saying?

Today's episode covers the question that so many stay at home moms dread: "What do you do?" It's not because we don't love spending this time with our children...of course we do! We know it's a privilege to be able to choose, but it's hard to find words to express what we actually "do" on a daily basis, and it often feels less exciting than those who are able to talk about their careers and accomplishments.

We discuss what comes up when we're asked this question, how we respond, how people respond to us, and all the unspoken thoughts and candor that surround it.

All this and more and today's episode of The Motherload.

• Transcript

  Welcome to the truth be told series where I will be discussing you the listeners, anonymous truths of motherhood. This series is intended to shine a light on those things that maybe we wouldn't usually talk about, you know, those things that we're all thinking, but no one is saying, my two mother lode contributors, Lauren and Kayla are joining the conversation. We're hoping that you'll feel seen and heard, and less alone on this mothering journey. Join us now, for truth be told.

  Truth be told, I hate the question. What do you do? Maybe it's because I'm a stay at home mom, and trying to put words together to describe what I actually do. is hard. Maybe it's because it doesn't have a title. And words that make it sound exciting, or make me sound accomplished. Maybe it's because the words stay at home. Make me feel insignificant in this world? I don't know. There's a lot of parts to it. But truth be told, I don't like it. And I haven't seemed to have been able to come up with a good answer for it. Sometimes it comes as the question. Do you work? And I've started saying, Yes, I work full time as a mom. Sometimes it sounds like Do you have a job? And I say yes, I do. I'm a mom. Huh? Anyways, join me and my two mother lode contributors, Lauren and Kayla, as we discuss what comes up when we're asked this question, how we respond, how people respond to us. And all the unspoken thoughts and candor that surround it. This is truth be told. I don't like being asked, What do you do? Is there another? Like, is there another word for stay at home mom? Like, how do you feel about calling yourself that? Like, I don't even know like

  I always get nervous to even say it. Because then there's there are no follow up questions like nobody wants to talk about the like dirty diapers you change no one cares that you spent an hour researching like the new toddler potty for you.

  I know a lot. A lot of women who are stay at home moms dread that question. But like sometimes for different reasons like for for me when I get that question. And I say I'm a stay at home mom or like I'm a part time stay at home mom. I always get Oh, you're so lucky that you get to do that. And I do feel lucky that I get to spend that time with me. But it's not like all butterflies and rainbows all the time. Yeah.

  What do you even say to that? It's like, oh, thank you. I know like yeah, because at the end of the day, no matter what role you have, like, full time working mom out of the house, full time working mom in the house, part time work. Every one of them you could say you're so lucky. You know, as a stay at home mom, I could say you're so lucky that you get to get up and you get to get dressed and showered and pick out an outfit and leave the house and talk to adults that validate you. They understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. They don't think it's gibberish. They listen to you. They tell you you're doing a great job they give you a paycheck. You have things you're working on you have things you're learning there's growth potential there you get to sit and have lunch if you want to have lunch, you talk to people on the phone you have conversation if you want to you can take a break whenever you want to. You're so lucky you full time working mom you like we can all make each situation has its pros like its pros and tons of positives and negatives. Like we should just put a PSA out there that like. It doesn't matter which role you have or which title you have, there are benefits to them. And there are drawbacks to that no one is more lucky than anyone else. Like,

  it's interesting to learn that you get, you're so lucky. I feel like I get that sometimes. But there are a lot of stay at home moms in my area. So I feel like the question that I always get is, but what did you use to do? Which then I'm so quick to say, you know, I used to work for an education foundation, my background is in education so that I can have some sort of relevancy to their working world, even though that is no longer a part of my identity, which feels so hard.

  Oh, my gosh, yes. I'm

  like, That is not

  my world anymore. Yeah, so then you could be talking about Oh, really? Where did you know, where did you go to school? What grade? Did you teach all these things? And it's like, we're spending this time talking about something that doesn't isn't even me any longer. And in my, in my case, I'm way far out from that. Like, that's been, you know, 15 years. It's like, what is happening here? Yes. And you do need, like, the validity and like, the relevant because it goes back to like being a stay at home mom. You know, people say it's the most important job in the world. And I believe that in my heart, and I don't feel significant, because, like you said, If we say we're a stay at home mom, there's not another question to ask. It doesn't go any further. Yes. Like, that's that because oftentimes people know, oh, my God, that's hard. And I don't want to talk about that. Because I'm in that every day. And, or like, yeah, do you want to talk about the non fun things, because a big portion of that job is very difficult. Non fun.

  Yeah. It's like, not sexy to talk about diapers. And so then you switch from, I was writing sort of really reflecting on this the other day, and there's this switch that I think happened for me, at least during my first year of motherhood, where I used to feel like this vibrant human, but there was a switch that happened from vibrancy to invisibility, that happened during motherhood. And then we know that visibility equals value. And so I didn't feel valued.

  borders. And that is a great point. And it has a lot to do with what Lauren and I talked about at one point, which was, your identity becomes like this child that you carry around and take everywhere with you. Because now all of a sudden at the store instead of someone talking to you or asking you anything. It's if you're with your kid, it's all about oh, your kid is so cute. How old? Are they? Are they walking? Are they doing this, that and everything so and even though you love that, right, because we do of course, there are children, but again, it's that invisibility. Like, you can go days without actually feeling like you have significantly like someone's talking to you, about you, or something that matters to you, or something that you're excited about or something that is stimulating to your brain, you know,

  yes. And bring you back to, I feel like I keep talking about Eve. But in re listening to fairplay she has this. This whole chapter that's called reclaiming your right to be interesting and interested. Like, oh, and it's that's meant for all moms. But I think specifically for stay at home moms. It's like, you almost have to give yourself permission again, to be passionate about something outside of motherhood, but then you feel that guilt that's attached to doing that by saying I don't feel 100% fulfilled by motherhood and another in and of itself.

  Yeah, that there has to be something more because I'm not feeling like a person. I'm not tapping into me and yes, interested and interesting. I talk about that all the time that I only like to talk to people that are both of those things and yet, I don't think you feel interesting when you because there's not a lot of interesting things to talk about. Yeah. And, yeah, that's huge.

  I feel like being in the one thing I do a month with, like, literally, I have one thing a month where I go to my book club. And that has been like such a game changer for me because we're all moms, we're all most of us are stay at home moms. And it like, I wasn't a big reader before. But now I like in like diving into these books. And it's forcing me to read and then I get to like, go to book club once a month and like, have things where I'm, like, interested in it outside of motherhood, and that even just like that one night a month is like, fills my cup a little bit more. But I'm like, I'm just I need more of that in my life. Like, I can feel such a switch when I go book club. Yes, I do. Because we're all moms. And we're like, we all leave there, like so happy. It's always held.

  And I'm glad you mentioned that and took us to like an actual tool of something that we can do to change this. And, you know, we've been talking a lot about human needs. And that what clubs is checking those boxes, you know, like, one, it's making you read something that you didn't pick out. So you didn't even have to make the choice? That's a huge thing. Yeah, yeah. So that's somebody else did the dirty work, the stuff that takes a bunch of time it's done, it gives you a chance to carve out space to actually sit down and to remove yourself from the mindset of the mom, maybe you're growing in what you're reading, then you get to talk about it. So you get to be, you know, you get to have a bunch of validation with these other women, which is significance, right? Like, I get to say how I feel about this book, and what I think this meant, that's growth, because you've learned from it significance, it's variety, because the books are on different topics, and the women all have different thoughts, you know, it's all these things we need. Like, it's certainty that you get through the week, you know, that, you know, book clubs coming up, and you know, you're going to feel good from it. Like, these are the vehicles which we're going to talk about, you know, once I record that these are the vehicles sometimes there's vehicles that, you know, they're really positive things. And that's what book club is, and it checks so many of those human need boxes. Yeah. And that's when a vehicle is really awesome when it can do that. And that's so powerful. And that's what we all need to find in different ways.

  I also so I just my friend, Jess, who's in my book club sent me something today, which I think is also a very fun idea. It's like, you have a group of girls that you get together with once a month and you do a recipe, like a recipe book, clubs. So every month, you have a recipe book, and you each make the recipe from that book and come together and just like eat a bunch of really good food. And I feel like that's so fun. I think we might end up combining that with our book club. But yeah, I have that idea, too. It's just like, at least for me, like I love his clothes. And so it's like another creative outlet where we can get together have connection. Suits, always. Yes. Always good. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

  And that uses like your creativity. And then too, I mean, listen, it is not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing at all this is we've got to remove this whole stigma, like for you to go and have people be like, Lauren, you're an amazing cook. Oh my god, you're so good at this, like you are you are exceptionally better than most people. And you can tell that you've invested your time and energy in this and you've picked out a recipe that's unique. And this is fantastic. You're amazing. Like God forbid, we need like, some some validation in that way. We need to be built up and like we go months in motherhood, where nobody's saying a thing. And then I think there's a misconception that the second we want to hear something good about ourselves. Oh, you know, you know, it's not about you and don't brag and don't this and don't that and so Okay, great. I'll just go be mentally in in stable instead.

  Well, also just getting that validation from other people outside of your home of like, wow, this meal was so great, and you got to share that with others rather than that it's so nice to hear that you're a good mom. But when that's all you hear, then that's all you feel like you are and when You are so much more than that to be able to share your gifts and other capacities with other people. That just feels so so. So validating.

  Thank you, Kayla. That's yeah, that was that's amazing. And that's so true too. Is that like, yes, we are all fortunate we have these loving, supportive husbands, and they are like, Oh my God, you're the best mom. And you know, oh, this dinner was fantastic. Like, thank you. But also, yeah, I want to be known for other things. Because I am so much more, there's so many parts to

  us. Yeah. And I think especially I don't know, if you guys feel this way. But having daughters or having a daughter, it makes me think differently about it. Because I want my daughter, I want L to see me as a full human being and not just a mother, right? Like, I can tell her all the time, you know, you can have a full life and be whatever you want to be. But if I'm not modeling that for her, you know, I'm not setting a good example of that. And though I feel like I'm, I'm doing my best to be a really good mom, I'm not doing my best right now in the other areas of my life. And so I think that's helping relinquish some guilt that I have, when I'm not with her when I'm doing things outside of mommy all day, is telling myself like I am modeling for our How to be a happy fulfilled woman, not just how to be a happy mom.

  That's right. That's right, because that's what we continue to do is like our moms, some of our moms and you know, with I know, we're speaking specifically to like, stay at home mom life a little bit, that that's what my mom modeled. And that's what her mom modeled. And so you have this concept of what that is supposed to look like. And the truth is that there's many, many ways that you can mother and many different, you know, time, like availability, you know, that you can be to your child to strike the balance in your life. And yeah, how do we, I feel the same way. I'm, I'm so glad that we're doing this. So that we can tell our daughters and show them that, you know, to be a good mom, you don't have to be home with your child every second of the day. And that that is a recipe for disaster. No one does one thing and feels well. But somehow with mom life, that happens very often. And there's even not only does it just happen, but there's verbiage you know, in the world, in society around what a good mom looks like and what to do and how much she's supposed to be with her kids and all of that.

  And then specifically, like, I've been thinking about this a lot, too. How, how does society then look at moms or stay at home moms who are then pursuing other things, passions, whatever it may be, that don't have like a monetary value attached to them. Right. And that whole idea of like, just because I stay at home, and I'm not bringing in money, I am placing a huge value to my family right now. And that still allows me to go and pursue other things that may not have a monetary value.

  Yeah. Because the best thing you can do for your family is be the best version of yourself. And that is the part that no one talks about. What everyone talks about is limiting your needs. And having needs and now the more you sacrifice and the less you do you the more of a martyr you are and and then we die. And you know, the eulogy is like oh my gosh, she was she was just a martyr. She lived for everyone else and their needs and she took care of everyone and like, I think we can still take care of everyone really well, while taking care of ourselves. Exactly.

  I don't know about you guys, but since becoming a mom, I've reflected on my mom like and what she did for me, like I've been able to appreciate that a lot more. Like when I used to think of my mom. It was like she was a teacher she was she loved to run like she loved to go to the beach and read a book like the things that I remember from my childhood. are not the day to day. Because like, as a kid, how do you like appreciate that you just it is, it's like, I don't really remember that very much my mom cooking meals for me or giving me a bath or whatever, those aren't the things I remember, I remember who she was is like a person. And that's how I would describe her. But like now that I'm a mom, I'm like, Whoa, like, I can appreciate her even more, because she was at the same time taking care of me at home and doing all of the 5 million things that that entails? Like, I don't know, I feel like I wasn't able to fully appreciate that until recently. Yeah,

  that's an amazing point, Lauren, and you're totally right. Because the mundane hours of the days in the years, they really do. You know, we don't remember those things. It's not how our brains work, you know, our core memories and things are things that are bigger, and that stand out to us. And so that's very true. And that makes me think about, yes, our responsibility to continue to take care of ourselves and be ourselves and show that to our kids. And also like that concept of like, they're not going to remember any of this, you know, like, anytime I tell myself, I told myself that a lot when l my oldest was a baby because it was so I felt like I was failing on so many levels, that I had to remind myself, even though nothing horrible was happening to her, like, I was still reminding myself like she's not gonna remember this. Because I just felt like I was doing it all wrong. But to that point, it's true. Like, I actually am thinking that way, like my mom was home every second of the day, stay at home mom, I wish she would have been gone more autonomy, like I would have loved to have been able to make a few more decisions on my own. I mean, my six year old is screaming out for autonomy. And I read it loud and clear. And I'm adjusting to it. You know, like? Yeah. So I don't know, I think that's a great point that we are. So we think so much so that we have to, you know, society's told us like, you got to do each one of these things. And you gotta be you gotta cook all the meals, and you got to do all the drop offs, and all the pickups and you know, all these things. And I don't, you're right, that's not, it's not what stands out.

  And like, part of being a mom is like cooking. And for me, that is like one of my passions. And so that is something I love to do. But if, like one of my best friends, she absolutely despises cooking. And so she doesn't. And like, she's an amazing mom, too.

  Yes. Yes. And that's tapping into like, again, on social media. Like we that's one of the downfalls of seeing so much that we're like, oh my God, all of a sudden, I have to be this cook for my kids. And then I have to, like, take these beautiful trips. And then these are not all of the ways we feel our human needs. These are not all of our values, you need to know your own values. So you can say, you know, yes, for you cooking is very valuable. It's calming for me, it makes it uses my creativity. I feel, you know, significant and like I'm feeding my, that's great, that's yours, and you know that and we all need to develop our own. You know, we all need to figure out what it is that is our priority. And that does feed our soul and our needs and let those other things go and have it be based on us and our family. Not what we watch on tick tock. Okay, CBD, have you tried it? Here's what I know to be true about it. It has a lot of potential health benefits and applications. I know too, that how one person uses it and benefits from it can be totally different than how someone else does. I know that there's good CBD as in clean, pure, effective and bad CBD. So where does that leave us? Well, first things first doing your own research. That's a very important step. Also maybe turning to a professional. And if there ever was a CBD professional, it would be Amanda fayda. Amanda is a mother of three. She has spent years of her life researching, learning making and now manufacturing her own organically certified CBD. So if you're curious about how it could help you go to her website, new Vita cbd.com. It's a great resource. Also, you could check out her company on Instagram. Amanda is just a huge woman's advocate. She's a loving and supportive friend, and she was actually my first guest on the podcast last year. That episode is full of great information, you can get to know her personally. You can see if maybe there's some health benefits for you. I like to use CBD at night to help with my sleep. Only at certain times of the month, do I not sleep that well. So when I take it in the evenings, I feel a calm wash over me. And I know it's time to go to sleep. I find that I have less wake ups throughout the night when I use it as well. So go to her website. If you think you'd like to try it. We have a code. Use the motherlode for 10% off your first order at New betta cbd.com.

  Yes, but okay, we'll go into the what did you do today? That the dreaded question.

  That is the question that I hate most. And I know that my husband and my mom specifically do it out of like interest. But it feels I hate like explaining the most mundane tasks that seems so trivial to other people, yet can also be so complex to me. Like, as I mentioned, you know, I don't want to sit at dinner and talk to my husband, about the fact that I truly spent an hour researching toddler potties. Yet. That was a complex task than I completed the other day, that took an hour or so I think that's why I get so frustrated. Maybe frustrated isn't the right word. Why I just tried to like tiptoe around that question is, it seems so silly and trivial to talk about. Yet that is my life. Yet. That's not interesting to other people to talk about. And I don't want to talk about it more.

  Yes, and it's or it's not even interesting to us. It has to be done. And it's so important. But it's like, yeah, a lot of times, Scott, what do you do today, and I'm like, I don't even want to talk about it. Like, it made me feel like it needed to be done. It's very important work that makes our households flow. And we're intentional with the things we buy, because we know our kids, and we know what freaks them out and sets them off and like what's going to cause a tantrum and what's going to work. And so we do the research, and it's important, but then we're exhausted from it. And yeah,

  I think at the end of the day, like if Ryan comes home and asked me that, again, out of love and interest, I don't know how to answer. It's like, I don't know, I was moving so fast today. It was a crazy day. I I can't recall. I did a lot but I just don't feel like talking about it because I don't really remember. It was a it was a blur.

  Yes. And I think the the amount of tasks that take place with young ones. It's like, it's you are literally doing something like from one minute to the next to the next. But it's like, okay, I made breakfast. And then I help them eat it. And then there was a mess on the floor that I picked up. And then I tried to put breakfast away. And then there was a person at the door and the dog barked. And so I corralled the dog into the kennel, and then the kid was crying. And then I finally got back to the kitchen and I cleaned up breakfast, and I empty I got half the dishwasher emptied and then the kid meat. And before you knew it was the next mealtime. And then I was back in the kitchen and I was doing food again. And then the like, it is just this like, never ending task of pretty. I'm like, your brain I feel like just as like, I'm just kind of

  Yes. It's like, it's like you're doing everything and nothing at the same time. Yes,

  there's yeah, there's no progress as far as like completion. You know, like you didn't you started the load of laundry and you started but like there's no thing to like show for it except your kid is alive and healthy and happy, which is amazing. Oh, we're not talking about that we're not celebrating that.